Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
