that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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