I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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