awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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