Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
