so that wasnt chicken after all
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
