Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
