Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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