It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
