We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
