You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
