I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ugly people sure do ruin things
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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