then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
FUCK WHALES
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
