guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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