If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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