apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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