Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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