made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
