Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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