Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize