On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
