I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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