I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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