wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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