Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
