It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
