You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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