i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My feet surprised me
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