Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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