There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
