Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
