Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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