i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
