you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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