the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
