She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
