these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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