I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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