Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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