So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
4 words: hood of his car
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
