i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
