East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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