sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize