you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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