mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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