I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
