When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i think my cat just said my name.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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