the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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