I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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