Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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