My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
