He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I deserve this hangover.
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