I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
