I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
