She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize