i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
