angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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