You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
